Hi Alex, it's me, Olivia
by TearsofTomorrow
Summary: Olivia doesn't know that Alex is alive and in Witness Protection. She thinks that Alex is dead, and begins writing letters to her because she needs to let her know what's happening in her life. AO
1. Chapter 1

Summary: Olivia doesn't know that Alex is alive and in Witness Protection, so she begins writing her letters. You could read this as AO if you wanted to.

A/N: This is my first fic, so please be nice. I think I know where the whole story's going, not a lot of plot, just a bunch of letter, but I'll accept ideas!

Disclaimer: I own nothing but my own ideas.

Hi Alex,

It's me, Olivia. Not that you wouldn't have been able to guess that, but still, I needed some sort of introduction. Cragen won't let me go back to work. He says that two days isn't enough for me to be ready to go back, but what does he expect me to do? I really don't want to just sit around here all day, Alex, but I don't know what else to do with myself. If you were here, you'd probably laugh, because I really don't know what to do with myself when I'm not working and then we'd go out to lunch and spend the rest of the day shopping, if you could get the time off. But then again, if you were here, I wouldn't be on forced leave. I'd be with Elliot, doing what I was meant to do. You can't possibly have any idea how hard this is. No one knew me like you did. And, I like to think that no one knew you like I did. Alex, I lost my best friend two days ago. Why did you have to leave me like that?

I miss you.

Love,

Liv

So I know that it's short, but it's a start. I plan on updating almost everyday with short letters like these.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks to everyone who read and commented. It was really great to open my email and see that people had reviewed the chapter. This chapter is a little longer, but I have no idea how long the next few chapters will be!

Disclaimer: my ideas, nothing more

Hey Alex,

It's Olivia. I couldn't sleep tonight. There's this huge thunderstorm going on right now, and all the power's off so I'm writing this by candle light. Do you remember the time that this happened, when we were at your apartment? I forget why I was even there so late, but then a huge storm came along out of nowhere and knocked the power out. I was going to drive home, but you were so worried that I would get in an accident that you made me stay. That was one of the best nights of my life. I had to borrow a bunch of your clothes and we made a fire in your fireplace and stayed up way too late, seeing as we had work the next day, talking and drinking hot cocoa. That was a really good time. I need really memories of when we were together to think about, because whenever I close my eyes, I see all of that blood coming from your shoulder and no matter how hard I try to cover it and stop the bleeding, there's still more blood. And I can't stop it. I can't save you.

We had your funeral today. I wish I could say that it was really lovely and that you would have liked it, but since it means that you're dead and gone, really gone, I can't find anything nice to say about it. No one's taking this well Alex, no one. I guess it really showed today. Branch and Cragen had the exact same expression on their faces for the entire service. It was awful, they both looked like all they wanted to do was break down and cry, but they weren't letting themselves. Neither one said anything all day. Elliot's been really angry since you died, and today was no different, but he kept it under control for a lot longer than I would have expected. About halfway through the service he got up and left, and when he came back, his knuckles were all bloody and torn up. I still can't figure out if it was a tree, door, or random wall that took the brunt of his anger. Munch has been acting even stranger since you died. He doesn't believe that you're dead Alex. He thinks that you're alive and that we'll all see you again some day. At the funeral, I heard him whispering to Fin that the government was hiding you so that when they caught this guy, they could pull you out to testify. Alex, I wish that were true so much, but I know that it can't possibly be. I saw all that blood that you lost, and losing that much blood is never good. Of all of Munch's conspiracy theories, this is the only one that I ever wished was true. But it's not and that really kills me. Fin was, well, Fin. He was also really quiet all day, but I did see him put dark glasses on halfway through the service. We're all such cops we can't bear to have anyone else see us cry, but I know that he was. Huang came too, though I didn't know until the very end, when we were all leaving. He looked very sad, but also like he was thinking very hard about something at the same time, to the point where he almost looked a little confused. I feel like I didn't show any feelings at all today. I was just numb. I don't really know what anyone said about how nice you were, or what a crazy child you were. I was just looking at the closed casket and wishing with all my heart that someone would open it so that I could say good-bye to you, really say good-bye. I wanted to stay at the cemetery after they put the casket in the ground and everyone left, but Elliot wouldn't let me. I think Cragen told him to make sure that I wasn't alone and got home safely, because he was so firm and sure when he said that I had to go home, now. He's worried about me. They all are, I can tell by the look that would cross any of their faces whenever they looked at me today. I don't know how they want me to act, but I know that I'm not acting the way that they want me to. How are you supposed to act when you've just lost your best friend? I don't know. I wish that I never had to figure it out.

Life isn't the same without you.

Love,

Liv

A/N: Well, I hope you guys liked it, or at least found it interesting!


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: So I know that these chapters aren't that long, but that's how I'm working right now. Hope you guys enjoy the update and thanks to everyone who reviewed!

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine, not even my dog.

Hi Alex,

It's Olivia. Finally, Cragen let me return to work today. It was only a week, but I swear it felt like so much longer. All I wanted was to get right back in the field and catch some rapists, but I didn't make it that far. First, Cragen called me into his office to check on how I was doing. I thought that he might not really want to let me back in the field, but that he would do it in a more subtle way. Instead, he came right out and told me that he wanted me on a desk for a while because he though I wasn't ready to go back in the field. What he was really saying was that since I saw you get shot, he thought that I might be over-eager to use my own weapon. Not only was I furious about this, because all I want is to go back in the field and get that picture of you lying on the street out of my head, but Cragen's got it completely backwards. I'm not over-eager to use my gun, I'm afraid to. I'm afraid that next time when I try to shoot a perp, all I'm going to be able to see is you, standing there in front of me, and I won't be able to do anything at all.

So, now I'm on desk duty, and it stinks, and all the memories of that night keep rushing back to me. Elliot keeps looking at me like he thinks that I'm unstable, and Munch keeps muttering things about the DOJ and WPP. I really wish that he would just drop it. I know that you're gone. I've accepted it. Why can't he? It's not like he was as close with you as I was. Lex, you were my best friend. Why did you have to be so stubborn? Honestly, you couldn't step down from one case, when everyone was telling you that it was the case that would kill you. You just had to keep going until the very end, not matter what that end was.

Okay, I really didn't mean all of that. I guess that's why we became friends so fast, because we're so similar. I never would have backed down from a case like that either. I would have kept going until it killed me, too.

Your mom is coming over next weekend and we're going to clear out your apartment together. She couldn't do it alone, and knew we were best friends, so she asked me to help. It's going to be so hard, to go through all of your things. Everything that was yours has memories for me. Your mom said that I could take a few things, to remember you by. It's going to be difficult because I want to keep it all, because maybe if I keep it, then you won't every really be gone.

Alex, I'm thinking about you all the time. I miss you more than anything in the world.

Love,

Liv

A/N: Well, you know what to do!


	4. Chapter 4

Hey Alex,

It's Olivia. I couldn't sleep tonight. There's this huge thunderstorm going on right now, and all the power's off so I'm writing this by candle light. Do you remember the time that this happened, when we were at your apartment? I forget why I was even there so late, but then a huge storm came along out of nowhere and knocked the power out. I was going to drive home, but you were so worried that I would get in an accident that you made me stay. That was one of the best nights of my life. I had to borrow a bunch of your clothes and we made a fire in your fireplace and stayed up way too late, seeing as we had work the next day, talking and drinking hot cocoa. That was a really good time. I need really memories of when we were together to think about, because whenever I close my eyes, I see all of that blood coming from your shoulder and no matter how hard I try to cover it and stop the bleeding, there's still more blood. And I can't stop it. I can't save you.

We had your funeral today. I wish I could say that it was really lovely and that you would have liked it, but since it means that you're dead and gone, really gone, I can't find anything nice to say about it. No one's taking this well Alex, no one. I guess it really showed today. Branch and Cragen had the exact same expression on their faces for the entire service. It was awful, they both looked like all they wanted to do was break down and cry, but they weren't letting themselves. Neither one said anything all day. Elliot's been really angry since you died, and today was no different, but he kept it under control for a lot longer than I would have expected. About halfway through the service he got up and left, and when he came back, his knuckles were all bloody and torn up. I still can't figure out if it was a tree, door, or random wall that took the brunt of his anger. Munch has been acting even stranger since you died. He doesn't believe that you're dead Alex. He thinks that you're alive and that we'll all see you again some day. At the funeral, I heard him whispering to Fin that the government was hiding you so that when they caught this guy, they could pull you out to testify. Alex, I wish that were true so much, but I know that it can't possibly be. I saw all that blood that you lost, and losing that much blood is never good. Of all of Munch's conspiracy theories, this is the only one that I ever wished was true. But it's not and that really kills me. Fin was, well, Fin. He was also really quiet all day, but I did see him put dark glasses on halfway through the service. We're all such cops we can't bear to have anyone else see us cry, but I know that he was. Huang came too, though I didn't know until the very end, when we were all leaving. He looked very sad, but also like he was thinking very hard about something at the same time, to the point where he almost looked a little confused. I feel like I didn't show any feelings at all today. I was just numb. I don't really know what anyone said about how nice you were, or what a crazy child you were. I was just looking at the closed casket and wishing with all my heart that someone would open it so that I could say good-bye to you, really say good-bye. I wanted to stay at the cemetery after they put the casket in the ground and everyone left, but Elliot wouldn't let me. I think Cragen told him to make sure that I wasn't alone and got home safely, because he was so firm and sure when he said that I had to go home, now. He's worried about me. They all are, I can tell by the look that would cross any of their faces whenever they looked at me today. I don't know how they want me to act, but I know that I'm not acting the way that they want me to. How are you supposed to act when you've just lost your best friend? I don't know. I wish that I never had to figure it out.

Life isn't the same without you.

Love,

Liv


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: I know where this story is going, but I don't know how many chapters it will take me to reach the end.

Disclaimer: Dick Wolf's people won't let anyone else own 'em, so I just pretend to!

Alex,

It's Olivia and I am so mad at Elliot and Cragen! I can't believe the two of them. I swear that they're out to get me or something like that. I guess that they can tell that I'm not over you leaving, because who would get over that so quickly. They'd say that there was something wrong with any other person if they got over the death of their best friend in a week or two; but not me. Apparently, it's not normal for the people that I'm with everyday to be able to tell that I miss you all the time. I'm saying this because today, when I showed up at the 1-6, I found out that I had a mandatory session with Huang in the afternoon. Elliot and Cragen are fine as people, but for them to behind my back and set up a mandatory session with the local FBI shrink is just not something that you do.

Don't get me wrong—I have no issues with George as a person, but I really didn't need to go explaining my soul to him, and I knew that inevitably, the question of 'How does that make you feel?' would come up, and I hate that question. You know, I hate all questions like that. They seem simple, short, as if you can answer in one or two words. But one or two words is never enough for a real answer. The people asking the questions want more and more and more from you. They come up with more questions to dig deeper into your answer. As if there are a thousand different ways that I can say that I was not sad when a child molester was killed in prison. I hate the questions.

The actual session started out much like I expected it to. Huang asked how my case load was, how I was sleeping, if I was eating (why do people always ask me that one?), and if there was anything I wanted to talk about. Then he led into the issue of why I was there, the fact that my recent behavior had worried some of my co-workers. I really wanted to ask what behavior, but decided to let it go because that would open up a whole new side of the questions, so I just nodded silently.

But that bothered me all day. What behavior? I go to SVU every day, go through the paper work, ask to be allowed back into the field, complain about the coffee, and tell Munch to shut up about his conspiracy theories. I act normal enough, so how were Elliot and Cragen able to figure out that I'm dying without you here? I really need you to come back to me Alex, come back. Because until you do, I have a standing appointment with Huang. So, come back, and make everything right, and then we can get on with our lives.

Love,

Liv


	6. Chapter 6

A/n: Sorry, I know it's been forever since I updated. I was away, without computer or internet for the holidays, and had forgotten my ideas for the next few chapter by the time I got back (since I forgot to write them down). It took awhile to re-figure out where I wanted the letters to go again. Also, this letter follows the episode Serendipity, Casey Novak's first show. Just see Olivia as more depressed than she actually was, and hating Casey more than she projects.

Disclaimer: Dick Wolf wrote Law and Order: SVU. I wrote Hi Alex, it's me, Olivia.

Hey Alex,

It's Olivia. I guess I put on a pretty good performance in Huang's office, because Cragen let me go back to active duty today. Of course, the case that I catch is one with kids, that really make you question humanity. Some sick freak with a honey turn on was going after little girls. It wasn't pretty at all. But the reason that we found the guys was pretty sad too. A mother was killed after giving birth, and her baby was dropped in the sewer, dead as well. Her doctor, trying to avoid admitting that he was the father, killed her, and then submitted a patient's blood in place of his own for the blood test. Turns out the patient was the rapist. At the end of the day, we had a whole family dead. The mother and her child were killed by the doc, and the daddy was killed by the patient/rapist. The whole world has just gone crazy. By the end of it all, I was just focused on the fact that I didn't have to pull my gun on anyone all day. Some cop!

I guess this was the proof that you really are gone. Today, we met our new ADA. Her name's Casey and she's way too forward. I mean, what ADA shows up at a crime scene to help execute the search, and interrupts the interrogation of a suspect for questions? She's not you Alex. She's not you at all. The look on her face when she realized that she terrified a six-year-old vic who couldn't make an id on her rapist out of a line-up showed that she cares, but she can't handle it. She'll be gone, and then we'll enter the endless stream of temps, none of whom are competent, or can handle the job at all. And then none of the victims will ever get justice.

However, even with all of this "progress", as George calls it, I'm still not off the hook for our weekly sessions. The whole time I'm lying to him, about how great my life is, and I'm dying inside without you. But, no one knows but me. Everyday, after a case is done, I go home and cry myself to sleep on your old pillow. It's the only way that I can be close to you. Your pictures have taken over my house, and the only movies that I watch are your home movies. Alex, you are my life now. I really need you here, because there's so much pain in my life without you here and you're the only thing that will take away the pain.

Elliot knows that something's up. He's the only person, but then after you, he's the one who knows me best. It's almost as if he can read my mind, or at least my moods. After this case today, he pulled me aside and asked me how I was doing. Not in the patronizing or obligatory tone that everyone else takes when asking me, but as if he truly cared about me. I felt bad saying "It's just strange so have someone other than Alex dealing with all the legal stuff." But he believed me. Then, he tried to take me home with him for dinner with Kathy and the kids, but I begged him off. I can't take it upon myself to change my strange ritual every night, going through your things, crying myself to sleep on your pillow. Remembering you has become a part of my existence.

Alex, I really need you, more than I knew I did. You gave me a reason to live, and now that you're gone, I don't have a reason. I miss you.

Love,

Live

A/N: So I've dipped deep into the depths of despair. I know that this is going off character for Olivia to be so depressed, but it's necessary. Now, you know what to do!


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: This fic is coming to a close. I see three more chapters coming, possibly only two. The next one will be quite short, but I'm planning a sequel from Alex's point of view. How they link up will make sense after the last chapter.

Disclaimer: Dick Wolf owns these characters. I just get to play with them.

Hi Alex,

It's Olivia. I guess you were right, I'm not a very good liar. Elliot staged what he called an intervention today, because he knew that something was up. We didn't have any new cases, I was all caught up on paperwork for the whole department, and neither Elliot or I was in court today. So it really worked. He took me out to lunch, and then we went for a walk in Central Park. After a while, he sat down. Not on a bench, but one the grass. I knew he wanted me to join him, knew that he was going to want to talk about you, but I played into it anyways, and sat down next to him. After a while, he said, "You know, you're not the only one who misses her Liv." That was all it took. I was up and running before he realized. I guess since I haven't been eating, I can run as well, because I got tired much sooner than I should have. I knew Elliot would be coming after me, but after that, I really wanted to be alone, so I ducked into the trees, and slowed my breathing. Pretty soon, I saw him run past and turn as he followed the path.

When I was sure Elliot was gone, I came out of the trees and began in the opposite direction, moving slowly home. After that performance, I knew that Elliot would go right to the 1-6 and talk to Huang or Cragen, and I did not want to be there to see it. I also didn't want to be there to have George pull me into "emergency" counseling, until I had myself figured out, because I knew that I wasn't going to figure myself out. That just wasn't going to happen if you weren't there with me, and now that you'll never be with me, I'll never be able to figure this whole mess out.

Alex, I can't go back to work anymore. As soon as I show my face there, Elliot will grab me and bring me straight to Huang, or he'll try to "fix" me on his own. Cragen will be all serious about how I need to get help, and the put me back on a desk. Munch and Fin will look concerned, but not really know what to say to help. And Casey, that new ADA, I don't know what she'll do. Probably try to help and get in the way, or something like that. All I want to do at this point I fall asleep holing your pillow, trying to convince myself that the pillow is you, since it smells like you, but knowing all the while that it can't replace you. I want to wake up and find myself in your arms. But I know that won't happen.

Alex, I need to do something to fix this. I really can't go on without you. I know that I've said that before, but I'm serious this time. I can't do anything to bring you back, and I hate feeling this powerless. So, I am going to do something, and then we won't be apart. I promise, we'll be together forever.

Love,

Olivia

A/N: Poor Livvy!


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: I don't know, you guys might really hate me for this. goes and hides…under a rock

Disclaimer: I don't have enough money to own any of these characters. They belong to Dick Wolf.

Hi Alex,

It's Olivia. This is going to be short, because I really don't have a lot of time and I need to write to a lot of other people, and explain, or at least try to. You were the one thing that made my life worth living. You were the apple of my eye, the cheese in my cheese cake, the caffeine in my coffee. I would have been lost without you. There are a lot of parts of my life that I never shared with anyone, parts that I tried to hide and forget and never deal with. Then, you came around, and I finally had someone that I trusted to share my past with. You made me stronger by helping me deal with all of that. We were closer than close—best friends, sisters, lovers, even though we never really used those words, except for the first one on occasion. I miss you. I miss you more than I can explain, more than I could ever hope to put into words. Since you died, I've been in a fog, lost and blinded, trying to find my way, but failing miserably. It's too hard for me to continue on like this. My life has just become too much to handle, to much for any one person to deal with. I'll miss everyone here, but I miss you more. Being with you will make up for everything I'm leaving here, because when I'm with you, nothing else matters. I love you. I've missed you so much. I'll see you soon.

Love,

Olivia

To Whom It May Concern:

My name is Olivia Benson. I was a detective with the Manhattan Special Victims Unit. If you find this, please contact Capt. Donald Cragen, also of the Manhattan Special Victims Unit, at One Police Plaza, the 16th Precinct.

Olivia Benson

Dear Elliot,

I'm so sorry I never got a chance to say a real good-bye to you. Of all the partners I ever had, you were by far the best. I knew you better than I knew almost anyone. You were a rock, great for support with police business. I just realized after a while that all the things here- you, work…well, that's basically it, were never going to make me feel anything again. I needed to be with the one person who made up the other half of me. I know that your religion says that this is wrong, and sinful, and that I'll never make it to heaven, but I don't care. Be happy for me. I'm gone, but I will be loved.

You really were the best partner anyone could ever ask for. Spend time with your kids for me.

Love,

Olivia

Dear Don,

This will come as quite a surprise to you, but I've listed you as my next of kin on just about everything. My will is stored in the lockbox that's on the top shelf on my closet, pushed to the left and all the way back. The combination for the lock is 16-06-32. I really loved working for you. You were able to show me that we shouldn't give up faith in humanity, even though we saw the worst side of humanity every single day. That really kept me going for a long time.

I've never regretted any of the choices or decisions that I made while working for you. It truly was a pleasure.

Sincerely,

Olivia

A/N: So, let me know if I need to stay in hiding, or if it's safe to come out.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: This chapter goes slightly out of the pattern, with it being "Dear Olivia", not "Dear Alex". Just a taste of what I'm sort of planning to follow this fic!

Disclaimer: In my world, I can do whatever I want with these characters and face no legal repercussions. In the real world, Dick Wolf owns it all.

Hey Olivia,

It's Elliot. I got your note earlier today. I know you and Alex were about as close as two people could be. Losing her must have been the worst thing to ever happen to you. I've never really felt that way about anyone, that there was one person in my life without whom I couldn't continue living, I didn't believe that it was possible, but I guess it really can happen. You and Alex were proof of that.

I know that you said to be happy for you, to not miss you because you were going to be loved, but I really can't help but miss you and curse you at the same time. You were the one person who kept me sane when things were tough at home, who taught me that I really needed to learn how to control my anger. You taught me that there is so much more to live that this job. Because of you, I began to take time off to spend with my kids. You couldn't have possibly have thought that I wouldn't miss you. And I'm not the only one who misses you.

It's not going to be normal at the 1-6 without you. Munch won't have anyone to bounce his conspiracy theories off of, someone who actually listens. Fin won't have someone who actually appreciates that music that he listens to. Cragen won't have someone who can get to the root of the problem within the team, or within a vic. And I won't have the other half of my working self. I'm not going to be as good of a detective anymore, because you brought out the best part of my police self and of my human self.

I know you were hurting. It was possible to see that everyday, in the way that you walked, the way you didn't fight desk duty, in the way you forgot to drink coffee, but why didn't you do more about it? Especially after all of the death that we've seen here and how much hurt it causes, why? Did you think Alex was the only one who cared about you, the only one who would miss you? Well, you were wrong. We all miss you. And now we have to go to the second staff funeral in four months. Honestly Liv, why didn't you talk to Huang about this more? Or me? Or Cragen or anyone else here? We really would have tried to help you, tried to get you through this. Instead you left us. You really didn't have to do that.

I can't stay mad at you forever and I couldn't ever hate you because I miss you too much. Nothing will be the same anymore.

-Elliot

A/N: Sorry if it was a little EO romance, not EO friendship. I have a hard time writing EO as anything but romance. One more chapter coming up!


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: In response to all of those reviews saying no! and asking if she really did it, here's your answer. Sorry it took a while.

Disclaimer: If I owned Law and Order SVU, it would be a drastically different show. Obviously, I don't.

Dear Alex,

It's Don Cragen. I'm so sorry that I didn't get the chance to tell you this in person, and I'm sorry that I had to wait so long to tell you. If you knew any sooner, you would have insisted on coming back to attend the funeral, and that would have exposed you to the people who forced you into this life. Olivia is dead. Not dead in the sense that you are, but truly gone forever. Out of everyone here, she had the hardest time dealing with the fact that you weren't coming back. I wished that I could tell her that you weren't really gone, that you'd be coming back once it was safe, but I couldn't go against a direct order. If I had known that this would happen, I would have, because now I've lost both of my daughters. I think that Olivia would have kept on living if she knew that you would be coming back to her once it was safe for you to live again.

I don't want to change the way that you remembered Olivia, so I won't tell you any details of the scene. If you really want to know, send me a message back through the agent in charge of your case and I'll send you the police report, but your really won't want to see them. No one should have to see someone that they love looking like that.

After you left, Olivia started to spiral downwards. We were all so down, no one really noticed. We thought that it was normal, seeing as you two had been so close. Not everyone realized just how close. As time passed, Elliot and I realized that everyone else was coming up with ways to deal with your death—everyone except Olivia. For this reason, I blame myself, because I didn't see it right away. Maybe if I had seen it sooner, I wouldn't be writing you this letter and going through candidates to join SVU. She was seeing George, but I don't think that they actually got anywhere, and Elliot tried talking to her. She really believed that she was the only person who was hurting after you died. In her mind, we all got over your death and only pretended to miss you when she was around.

When I was going through her apartment, I found some things of yours. Your photo albums were out on the coffee table, your pillows were on her bed, she even had some of your home movies. She really cared about you and missed you. It's hard to believe, but by killing herself, she did not want to hurt you. That was not her intention. She just wanted to be with you and be happy again, because I don't think that she was ever happy after you went away.

I'm sorry if it feels like I've violated something by doing this, but there was a box in Olivia's bedroom that held a series of letters, all from her to you. She wrote all of them after you died. They belong to you, so I'm sending them as well. You should get them a few days after this letter.

There will always be a place for you here at SVU, whenever you are able to come back.

Sincerely,

Don Cragen

P.S. I don't know where Munch gets his information, but since you 'died', he's been trying to convince everyone that it's all a conspiracy, and you're really alive and well, in Witness Protection, and living in Wisconsin.

A/N: And so it ends. Thanks to everyone who read, and especially to those who reviewed and followed the fic all the way through. I am planning a sequel, "Hi Olivia, it's me, Alex" which would be basically the same, only letters to Olivia from Alex, starting directly after Alex gets the package of letters that Olivia wrote her from Cragen. However, I'm getting really busy with school and work, so I don't know when I'll start posting.


End file.
